No More Holding Back

Yesterday Alissa Kroeze spoke at MOPS. I've followed her blog for over a year and it was so hard and so amazing to hear her tell Jude's story...and Larkin's story ;o) It made me all emotional for a bunch of different reasons...but mostly for the adoption reason. I couldn't get it out of my mind yesterday, and it continues to come back to me today.
What's been the hold up? Why am I not following my gut, my inner push, and following through with what we know we should be doing? I'll tell you why...I am scared!
There...I said it almost out loud. Scared of how long we'll have to wait. Scared of how much we'll have to pay. Scared of what kind of adoption we'll have to decide on doing. Scared I'll get pregnant again after we adopt. Scared I won't be able to handle 3 kiddos...or 4!...on my own. Scared of the overwhelmed-ness of adjusting to a newborn again. Scared of all the agency "must do's" that are different than how we've raised our girls up till now. Scared of how it won't be the same, b/c it won't! Scared of how life is going to change again.
But it will change again, change is a constant. I can't think of life without my Livi, or without my Audrey girl. They make my life exasperating and unbelievably happy all at the same time. Somewhere out there is our baby, possibly not even conceived yet. And I won't want to imagine life without them one day either.
None of the reasons previously listed are actually good reasons. Reasons that come from fear are never good reasons...they are invalid. So, I have zero valid reasons for not stepping up to the plate and holding out my arms, asking God to put whomever He chooses into our family to love.
Today, I'm opening the envelope and putting pen to the agency forms and starting this long, loving, life changing process. Because I can no longer stand to keep reasoning with fear, and keep distancing the urging of Christ.