Focused Perspective

I made cinnamon rolls today...loads and loads of cinnamon rolls. My feet and back hurt, but oh my gooey goodness the rolls are delish! While I was rolling out dough, adding copious amounts of butter and sugar, and making cinnamon deliciousness, the girls were napping. I personally love naptime. Calm comes back to the house and I can let my mind wander and think about things that are un-child related if I wish. Since it's Christmastime, I've been reading through the Christmas story and each time I read it, I am struck by something "new". Here's what hit a chord this time around...

When Herod figured out the wisemen weren't coming to tell him where Jesus was, he sent out his soldiers and they killed every child 2 years and under in the area Jesus would've been living at that time. I find it interesting that the writer records how the mothers responded...they cried out, they wouldn't be comforted. As a mom of a 2-year-old, that brought me to tears...and is again at this moment. To think of my Audrey taken from me because of the selfish desires of someone else to rid the known world of another king...it's unthinkable. Yet hundreds of mothers lost their children for this very reason. I'm guessing they were all Jewish, and had all heard of the Promised One coming. Did any of them realize that in losing their child, they were gaining a King? Would that bring comfort to know the Messiah, their long awaited Emmanuel had come? In my own heart, I would've battled wanting the immediate joy...my child...versus the big picture...knowing that the Deliverer was here and would reunite us. Could I put aside my immediate gratification (per se), for the knowledge that the Saviour had come and with Him, the message of eternal hope for all? Ouch.

I want to say "Yes". Yes, of course I would give up my child - willingly - so that others could come to know the Jesus I know, to hear of eternal life, to live life with hope that is unexplainable. How utterly unselfish of me. I can't though...I can't say that. There is only one who gave His only child so we could have life. God the Father. I can't compare my sense of parenthood to His...Ha! Laughable. He is LOVE. I have so much to learn.

What bigger picture should I be focusing on this Christmas season? What instant gratification is getting my attention instead? My girls don't have new Christmas dresses...and I feel really badly about this. They won't have a pretty, new, frilly dress to wear on Christmas morning to church. But, wait...what? Yes, dresses...that's what it all cumulated to in my mind as I rolled cinnamon rolls. Here's the thing: They will most likely not remember what dress they wore, or that I went to store after store looking for a 2T & 5 that coordinated...but not matched ;o) But I think they'll remember if I took time to be with them, played with them, read to them, discussed the true meaning of Christmas, loved on them, if I was patient in my responses, excited to share the true joy of this season. That's the big picture. The fact that they'll be wearing the same dresses they did last week at their program will mean nothing to them in 10 years...or 10 minutes. How does the true meaning of Christmas get lost? Even on those of us who desire to keep the focus on Christ and His unselfish gift of love? I lose perspective so easily...I should focus on THAT more often.

The Church Piano

The day my mom introduced me to the church piano, she got a free babysitter. Living next door to the church had very few perks, but this was one of them. At any time of the day or night, I could go next door and play as loud or weird as I wanted to on a baby grand piano...and no one complained. In fact, I don't remember many times that my mom even sent someone over to bring me back home! It would just be me and the glorious sound of the baby grand in the large space of our auditorium...bliss for a girl seeking acceptance and unable to find it in any other venue.

Tonight I went up to our little church we recently joined and played the piano. It was like stepping back in time as I entered the dark building -- so many memories came flooding back. The echo of the auditorium as I walked down the aisle. The sounds a building makes when no one is there to hear them. The freeness to sit and empty my soul through my fingers. Turning the lights off as I walked out the back, and the blast of cold air when I opened the door. Each one of these things took me back to the place I grew up. Like looking out into the blackness of the auditorium and knowing my dad had snuck upstairs into the overflow and was sitting listening as though it was his own private concert. Hitting the keys in frustration when I couldn't get the timing right or memorize correctly for my recitals. Crying, laying my head down by the sheet music as I wondered how I was going to get out of the mess I made, and how could I do this to my Jesus? Listening to the stillness and asking God questions about life. Playing my heart to my Friend because my words seemed so trite. Stepping out the back door and watching to miss the patch of ice that always forms there. The clear, crisp air would snap me back into reality and I would enter the house and my world again.

I bonded with that building. The hours I spent there, the dilemas I worked through on the piano bench, the elation and misery I experienced there...so much of myself was found and identified in that auditorium sitting on a black piano bench. I was a child. I was a teen. I grew up. And when contemplating where to get married, I knew. My church. Yes, it was the place my dad was pastoring, but that's not the actual reason I chose it. The same walls that I ran to for solace and consolation, I wanted for my wedding day.

Thirty minutes of piano playing went by like nothing tonight. In fact, I was surprised to hear my timer going off because I had only played two songs. But that's what a church piano affords me that nothing else does...a place to be off the clock and alone, and maybe to find what has changed since the last time I opened up to a church piano.

No More Holding Back

Yesterday Alissa Kroeze spoke at MOPS. I've followed her blog for over a year and it was so hard and so amazing to hear her tell Jude's story...and Larkin's story ;o) It made me all emotional for a bunch of different reasons...but mostly for the adoption reason. I couldn't get it out of my mind yesterday, and it continues to come back to me today.
What's been the hold up? Why am I not following my gut, my inner push, and following through with what we know we should be doing? I'll tell you why...I am scared!
There...I said it almost out loud. Scared of how long we'll have to wait. Scared of how much we'll have to pay. Scared of what kind of adoption we'll have to decide on doing. Scared I'll get pregnant again after we adopt. Scared I won't be able to handle 3 kiddos...or 4!...on my own. Scared of the overwhelmed-ness of adjusting to a newborn again. Scared of all the agency "must do's" that are different than how we've raised our girls up till now. Scared of how it won't be the same, b/c it won't! Scared of how life is going to change again.
But it will change again, change is a constant. I can't think of life without my Livi, or without my Audrey girl. They make my life exasperating and unbelievably happy all at the same time. Somewhere out there is our baby, possibly not even conceived yet. And I won't want to imagine life without them one day either.
None of the reasons previously listed are actually good reasons. Reasons that come from fear are never good reasons...they are invalid. So, I have zero valid reasons for not stepping up to the plate and holding out my arms, asking God to put whomever He chooses into our family to love.
Today, I'm opening the envelope and putting pen to the agency forms and starting this long, loving, life changing process. Because I can no longer stand to keep reasoning with fear, and keep distancing the urging of Christ.

Life Happens

We've been having an...interesting...October around here. And more than a few people have told me this little phrase: Life happens while you're making plans. That pretty much sums up how this month has gone. We didn't get to go on our vacation that we've spent months planning, we've had sickness of all weird kinds running through our house, and "life" keeps on happening. Since we hadn't really planned anything the past few weeks (except trips to ER, trips to the clinic, trips to the pharmacy, etc), I invited some friends over for supper Wednesday night. 

Let me tell you...Wednesday came with extra things and I didn't feel like making our house mostly clean (HA!) & putting together a meal. But it all came together...and while I was running the dust cloth over the furniture, I had a thought. If I continued to wait for the right time to get together with others, it would never happen. There is always something going on. There is never a perfect time, a quiet pause in life...so just pick a day and love on the people in your life! Wednesday supper was so fun, and so refreshing, and I needed that.

And it's a good thing we took advantage of Wednesday night, because later that night Audrey woke up with another croupy cough and we were up till the wee hours. And today was filled with a doctor visit 45 minutes away and other craziness.

Plan A for each day has hardly happened around here this month...Plan B & C have been more like the norm. Problem for me is that my plan is Plan A...God is the one who usually introduces me to Plan B or Plan C...or D, E, F... ;o( Learning lots of flexibility and taking advantage of the small blessings that He sends along with the change of plans...like Nutella Nanaimo Bars after supper Wednesday night!

Financial Peace - Oxymoron?

Tonight I finished the longest class I've ever taken...over a year long. We checked off the last lesson of Financial Peace University. We are notorious for starting something and stopping before it's finished. Not the poster children for "seeing it through" evidently. So, being a little convicted about such things...we sat down and did it! DONE! If you are current with the Baby Steps, we're working on #4-#6...investing 15%, putting away for kids college, & paying off the house. Going through FPU has given new perspective on money, debt, things/stuff, and actual NEEDS. We'll probably go through the course again at some point to keep it fresh and refocus on our goals. Before FPU, we mismanaged our money...er, God's money...horribly. We aren't totally out of debt yet, but so close! If you've never done a course like this, do it...you won't regret it.
On another note - I have worn this shirt all day and just now found a hole in the sleeve and a hole in the underarm. I evidently need to take myself to Target and find a new long sleeved T (and maybe a Starbucks while I shop?)! Oh, wait... the clothing budget is spent for this month, I'll have to wait until November ;o) Just one little way FPU has changed the way I look at urgency and need. It can wait...so it will. After-all, I have THREE other long sleeved T's I can wear (although, none of them are pink!) ;o)

Enter: The Iron

Since the past two weeks have been a little crazy with Rohn's doctors appointments & surgery...and ER visits, and family coming into town to help us out...yada yada yada...a lot of things have slid around here. Today started to feel a little more normal around here and I checkity-checked off some of the list. But let me tell you the major moment of my day. Yes...just monumental.

Olivia is in Cubbies (Awana), she got her first badge last week...which I had not yet attached to her vest. Since tonight was Cubbies, I found thread (read: got into bins of fabric, misc junk, lost my way for a while), needle, scissors and sat down on the couch to attach the patch. As I'm trying to get it on, I see that I'm sewing it on CROOKED ;o( Annoying...I can't fix it, so it has to get ripped off and reattached. It is at this moment I look at the back of the patch & see it is an IRON-ON. Really Debra? Oy...sometimes I am such an overachiever. (Yes, I iron my jeans). Enter...The Iron. Thank you whomever invented this wonderful item...2 minutes and done. I'd been dreading this for a week...and it was an iron-on.

Whatever - I had one happy Cubbie Olivia prancing around the house after naptime. Thank you, Sunbeam, for your contribution to my day.

Here's What I Know...

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I had a corporate job right up until my first was born. Maybe I think I must contribute to society or at least my family in a great way everyday. And maybe I just don't live up to my own standards like I think I should. But, here's what I know. I like to look back at my day and see some sort of accomplishment, some great way I impacted those around me. And don't know you it, there are a lot of days I really don't feel like I did much except for keep my children fed & happy...and sometimes it just doesn't seem like that's enough. But, what I'm coming (slowly) to grips with is the fact that...it just MIGHT be enough! I didn't abandon or abuse my girls, I loved on them and sang silly songs while dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld....and we laughed. We read books until they were sleepy, and then they had naps and woke up happy. That is something! I didn't balance the national budget, but neither did all the elected officials that are actually SUPPOSED to be doing that! My day doesn't look like anyone else's...so why compare it?

So here's what this blog is about. It's just a daily archive of the biggest event or thing checked off the list. And when I sit down one day to look back at what I did with as a SAHM (btw, I hate that label), I'll hopefully be able to see how every little thing done was building up my girls and helping them grow into women who have their own personal relationship with my Jesus. I hope to see a wife who loved her husband and showed that through her everyday life. My TO DO list doesn't look the same as it once did. The list might have the same things on it for days in a row, but I don't live the same life I once did before...and that's the whole point.