It was hard to watch this moment and not be able to fix the turmoil going on inside her soul. Motherhood is becoming increasingly harder as we dab our toe into the preteen waters and start navigating friendships. Not the friendships of the kids of the moms that I hang out with, but the friendships she is making on her own.
The look on her face when she realized that she had been forgotten about, she had been overlooked, someone else had captivated her friend's attention, and said friend moved on instead of honoring the commitment she had made...I knew all about the tearings going on inside her at that moment. I lived that moment many elementary and high school days. I watched as her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears, her chin quivered, and she said, "She's not here...she said today at 3:00, but she's not here." I would have done anything for her not to have to walk through that moment, but I knew I could not.
These are the moments that made me into who I am today. If I had not been allowed to walk through emotions like loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment, I would not have the emotional depth to walk her through her own oceans. This is a part of her making. When I pray for her to become a woman who seeks God alone...I am praying for these moments even if I don't realize it. Her 11 year old heart is being called out to hear the voice of her true Friend who never leaves her, never forsakes her. In times like these she is reminded that He will always be present, she will never be alone. This circumstance reinforces to her that God does not change, what He says He is, He is. What He says He will do, He'll do. Like the tide each evening and the sun each morning, He is more dependable than anyone else we know. His love is steadfast towards us even when we falter or turn away from Him.
As her sisters played at the park, we sat in the car and had yet another talk about friendship and what makes a good friend. We discussed disappointment, anger, frustration, and sadness as she sat in the seat with big tears rolling down her tanned cheeks. And we talked about how her response matters. It matters that she chooses to still interact kindly with this girl...she's not a bad person, she just may not be trustworthy. It matters that she not put people on a pedestal full of expectations...they will fail you, they are not God. It matters that you not sulk about what happened, but instead make the choice to look up, look around at who might need a friend. It matters that you see this as something you yourself may do and think about how it affects the person on the other end of the equation. And it matters because your whole life you are going to interact with people who will let you down, not keep their word, pick someone else over you, and not be a trustworthy friend...so we must learn what to do with the emotions that come when these moments happen.
I nudged her out of the van, and she took her seat on the grassy bridge to think things through. She presently came down to the play area and took to the swing and teeter-totter for a while before coming to sit beside me on the bench.
I looked at her profile and I saw what everyone else sees: flawless skin, blonded-by-the-sun hair, blue eyes, a little belly that loves sweets and carbs, and a frame that is continuing to grow like a weed. But I also saw what they may not see: a silly laugh, willing volunteer, tender emotions, growing faith, quick temper, avid reader, creative mind, bossy big sister, and loving daughter. In the Potter's hands, she will be molded into a masterpiece, but the reshapings and pressure that He lovingly applies are all part of who He is making her to be, and must be navigated with trust that He knows and has a plan. My goal is not her popularity, not making her into who I think she should be, not removing all obstacles from her path...my goal must always be to bring God into the conversation in all the moments. Because although I see so much more of her than others, I don't see what God sees in her. She has her own calling, her own purpose. My job is merely to equip her with the tools that help her become the woman God has already planned her to be.
Never have I felt the years growing so short, and my capabilities as a mother lacking as I do tonight. So I lean into the same truths I shared with her today, because I need them too.
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