The Answer

My girls have been leaving me the sweetest little notes that I can't bear to throw away. They collect on my desk, my bedside stand, beside my bed on the floor, in my purse, and randomly in a cabinet or as a bookmark. I want to write them back each time they sneak a new scribbled sheet into my hand or when I find a piece of their artwork waiting on my pillow when I go to bed.

Their notes say, "I love you so much. You are the best mom. Thanks for taking care of us. I want to be like you when I grow up. What are we doing tomorrow? I'm going to have a better response next time I am disappointed." And my littlest one tells me each night, "You are my favorite." I want to write them back and tell them all the things that moms need to impart to their daughters. Be gracious to others. Don't be afraid to be different in a crowd. Stand tall and be the woman God made you to be. Embrace the under-dog. Stick up for your sister. Use your words wisely. Don't settle for good enough when the best is waiting. Close your mouth when chewing. Conduct yourself like a lady, but know how to aggressively play ball. Find your passion and cheer others on in theirs. Use the china, life is too short for paper plates all the time. Respect your elders even when you don't agree or don't understand. Be compassionate. Seek Christ.

But I know if I wrote every single thing I thought they should know, it wouldn't be enough. I know this because my mom wrote me so many letters, notes, emails, texts, and messages. I talked for hours with her on the phone and when I didn't answer, she always left a lengthy voicemail. She's been gone for 22 months, and everyday I want to ask her something. I want her opinion. I want her wisdom that is 32 years down the road from where I am right now. I want to hear her voice, "Hello Debra Darling!" For all the writing and talking we did for 38 years, it didn't cover all the topics that I need to discuss with her, because when are we ever ready to be without our mother?  And it seems like there are more and more things that I want to talk about with her...so many parts of life I need help with, so many questions. But she's no longer here to give answers.

After all of that, I have learned there are answers, but it's not like before. Instead of trying to impart each tiny thing to my girls, I hope to leave legacy of The Answer -- Jesus Christ.

My Dear Girls,
There will come a day when you will not be able to find me in the house, call me on the phone, or text a quick message. You will want a conversation about a friend, insight about kids, to tell me about a crazy dream, to ask me about my medical history, to get a recipe you remember, to organize in your brain again the family tree of great grandfathers. Yet, all you will have left will be memories and written words or recorded moments...and it will feel lacking.
You may not find answers to those questions, but my prayer is that I will have prepared you to find all the other answers your heart seeks. That your "why's" and "what if's" can be laid in front of our loving Heavenly Father and your soul will find rest as you seek and find what you are longing for...Answers. Because I have traveled this road before you have, let me share some of the answers that have become so sweet, yet brokenly beautiful as my aching heart chooses their truth over and over.
He is enough. You shall not want, need, or desire anything that He cannot provide to your heart, soul, and mind.
When you are lonely, He is present. Always, Everywhere. The same person with me is with you.
When you need wisdom, He is omniscient.
When you are broken, He restores your soul. He will make all things new (this is our true hope and promise).
When your world is changing, He is unable to change, it's against His nature.
When you are feeling defeated, He is the Lord of Hosts...He will fight your battles.
When you wanted more time that what we had, He is your portion in all ways, all things, all circumstances.
When the days are dark, when the nights come too soon and are filled with tears and alone-ness, He gives his beloved sleep, you dwell in the shelter of the Most High.
When you ask "why" again, He is sovereign...and we are the created ones. Can the clay tell the potter how to form it?
When you want to hide rather than face the things needful for the day, His feathers cover you as you abide in the shadow of the Almighty wings.
When all comforters can give no comfort, lay your head down and let the Comforter utter the deep groanings that you cannot even verbalize.
When every older woman is someone else's mother, He is your heavenly Father...which is incomprehensibly better than a father or a mother.
When your friends mom is aged and yours did not see those years, Jesus is better. (ok, that was more for me than for the girls)
I memorized Psalm 139 early in my 20's because I could not view myself like God viewed me. Now, many years later, I see that not only does it tell my standing to a Sovereign King, it more importantly tells me who He is and how deeply it should affect and change me. Be steadfast in Hope, my sweet girls. His words in Psalm 139 are promises and He who promised is faithful, so hold fast to the confession of our Hope. One day we will behold Him together...may He find us faithful to Him through each day we live, looking forward to the day we will truly be ALIVE.
Press on, my dears. He is worthy.
All my Love,
Mom